)
So this is my first attempt at blogging in public. My friend Matt and his band strangercousin is playing at a coffee bar in Austin. Being here and watching him play made me very proud of him. He is and most likely always will be the best songwriter I know, and hearing him play and share his music is really a treat.
In the recent months, my own view of music and songwriting, both in my own life and in general, has gone through some pretty drastic changes. I started writing songs because I thought it could actually change things. Eventually, my good intentions became clouded by my insecure need for other people to think my music was cool, and thus by association, consider me cool. Had it not been for my amazing wife and her loving honesty, I think the hypocrisy music was becoming in me could have poisoned music and songwriting to me for good.
But I am so glad God is helping me to rediscover the original joy music had been in me. A well written song, whether it be through melody, chord structure, rhyme, or rhythm, can somehow speak on a level otherwise unreachable. It's no mistake that music holds such an important place in the celebration and praise of God's character. Whether it be the angels singing in 1000 octaves or the trumpets and clanging symbals of the Psalms, music is a gift from God to help us celebrate God in a super human way.
I connect to God best through music. I think my own selfishness kept me from experiencing that frequently, but in those moments of humble guitar playing and singing, I feel in His presence completely. I hope that music will become my way of communicating with God again, whether in public or in private.
As it seems, it is more difficult to blog in public than I thought. Keeping a straight thought is hard.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
My Band's Last Show?
This Saturday, my band Eliot Fitzgerald is playing what could be our last show...at least for a while. I will deeply miss playing with them when we move to Dallas. They were not only great guys to play with, but great guys to share life with...definitely best friends that I am honored to have. In light of our possible last show, I wanted to share a few of my favorite memories over the last three years.
Playing shows that nobody comes to...
Stephen Corkhill running on stage...
Costume parties...
James giggling behind the drums, Trey doing tribal dances...
and of course...Thriller Dance Parties!
Stephen Corkhill running on stage...
Costume parties...
James giggling behind the drums, Trey doing tribal dances...
and of course...Thriller Dance Parties!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Have You Seen My Snake?
If you want to pull a funny, terrifying, and perfectly harmless prank on house guests, have I got an idea for you. I probably won't be able to do this, so I thought I might share it:
Materials Needed:
There is no snake, but they don't need to know that.
Materials Needed:
- A guest room
- A history of quirkiness and spontaneity
- A snake cage, fully decorated
- Possibly a small mouse or two, to fully sell the prank
There is no snake, but they don't need to know that.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Hosea's Son: A Short Story
The grass was more yellow than green as it lined the farm fences along the highway. The trees had lost most of their leaves and the whole earth seemed to be covered in snow and ice and cold…but there was no snow. There was just fence post after fence post, yellow field after yellow field, gray sky followed by more gray sky. Winter surrounded the little car speeding down the country road, a cheap and half-hearted winter at best, but still a winter. Somewhere North or West or East of them, maybe even South, people were shoveling snow off the bottom of their boots, children were lying on their backs making angels in the ground, and cars were being spun into poles and trees by ice. But here, everything was just kind of dying, or at least momentarily giving up on looking the way it could. Jess, who had been looking out the window with one of those smiles that only comes when you’re completely content, looked over at Ammin and sighed, “Isn’t it beautiful outside?”
Ammin hadn’t noticed the outside but out of convention and a sincere desire to trick Jess into thinking that he was fine, looked over at her and said, “Oh yes, very beautiful.”
Ammin and Jess had been driving for over four hours and the conversation and excitement had begun to wear off. They loved each other though. It was the deep kind, the kind that doesn’t need to be excited to be content, the kind that could sit in silence next to each other in the middle of a disappointing winter and not be worried that they couldn’t think of anything to talk about. It was a real love, not like the winter outside. Jess just smiled looking through the car window, enamored by the yellow and gray, and Ammin just looked ahead, fearing the truth of what lay in front of him.
Ammin knew that as long as Jess didn’t say anything and maybe dozed off or something that he wouldn’t have to bring it up, or at least be able to put off talking about it for a little while longer. He just kept driving, kept being boring, kept putting on yellow and gray music to lull Jess into an uninterested and un-inquisitive haze. Ammin had feared this trip from the moment he knew he was in love with Jess. He knew it had to happen and that everything resting behind his name and his family and his horrible mother needed to come out and that Jess would want to know everything, but he was still afraid. And so they drove in silence, the faint sound of wind dancing through the fence posts, the occasional cow disinterestedly looking up at them, the yellow fields and gray skies rising and falling with every hill their little car sped over.
To Ammin, the trip was going perfectly, no questions asked, no secrets revealed, no pain, no anger. Jess was beautiful as she looked out the window, beautiful in the way she loved Ammin, beautiful in the way she hoped and continued to hope in the future that Ammin feared so much. Her delicate eyes were closing as the yellow atmosphere moved her into sleep, and just as Ammin thought she was asleep, Jess rolled over to face him, looked up with her wet and sleepy eyes, her rose shaped lips smirking just enough to show her dimples, and asked, “Do you think people can stay in love their whole life?”
Ammin responded quickly, “I’m sure they can.”
“I mean,” Jess went on, “I know people can love each other their whole life, people choose to do it, I know my parents have. But, I mean, can people be in love their whole lives? I see it in movies, and read it in books, and I know I can’t possibly imagine feeling anything but in love with you,” she blushed and smiled as she said this, “but I don’t know, sometimes I get scared that we will someday wake up next to each other some morning and love, but not feel in love.”
Ammin didn’t know what to say. Does she know what his mother did? Does she know about the nights he spent searching through the neighborhoods and bars with his dad? Does she know the tears he shed hearing his mom upstairs with other men? He would turn the music up to drown it out, or call his dad, or scream into his pillow. He hated his mom for cheating and he hated his dad for loving. How could she possibly ask that? To be in love? The fact that he was even capable of love at all was a miracle. Ammin couldn’t love anything, couldn’t feel anything, until he met Jess outside of his 9:10 class. Jess was everything his mother wasn’t—faithful, beautiful, honest. He was in love with her, but couldn’t face his fear. Couldn’t face that God could be fair and let people fall in love and be happy. All God has ever done was tease and coax his father into a life of miserable love. He didn’t want to think about it. He wanted to think about the yellow winter, the gray sky, the rolling hills, anything but love.
“Are you okay?”
“What?”
“You haven’t said anything for a few minutes. Have you even heard me asking you if you were alright?”
Ammin looked over at Jess, his eyes afraid of the tears forming, and said, “Jess, there is something I need to tell you.”
Jess looked confused. “I didn’t mean to upset you Ammin, it is a stupid thought to think we can’t be in love forever. It was just a silly question and I feel really bad for bring it up and…”
“Don’t, it’s not…you didn’t say anything wrong. Jess,” Ammin took her hand, “I need to tell you something.”
“You said that already. Now I’m really nervous.”
“I haven’t been honest with you about my parents.” Even though the car was still driving and the engine still running and the wind was still screaming through the fence posts, everything became silent. Jess looked at him confused, not sure if she should be hurt or mad or scared. Her hand became lifeless, her pouty lips became firm, as she braced herself.
“I want you to know that I’m sorry for not telling you all this sooner. I do love you, I’ve loved you since I spoke to you. But I guess I was afraid that you wouldn’t love me back if you knew the family I came from. My parents are not traveling around the world. I just made that up so you wouldn’t try to meet them sooner. I don’t know, I don’t even know where to begin. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”
At that Ammin’s eyes couldn’t hold back the growing tears, he let them go. It was the first time he had cried since his mother left. His soul cried. The years of pushing back the memories, the hate, the confusion, the fear, everything was falling through his eyes onto his shirt. His hand squeezed Jess’s as he tried to fight back the tears, but he couldn’t, Ammin wept. Finally, Ammin looked over at Jess, she was crying. She didn’t know why, she wasn’t mad, or even sad yet. She just knew that it was the time for tears, and she cried patiently with Ammin as he slowly calmed his heart and finished his tears.
The car was silent for a while. Ammin was embarrassed. Jess was concerned.
“Jess, my Father is crazy, and my mother is a whore.” Ammin broke the silence.
“What?”
“My older brother and sister tried to check him into a mental hospital when we were teenagers, but they wouldn’t accept him, or he would just check himself out.”
“Oh my God! That’s terrible. What was wrong with him?”
“He hears God.”
“What?”
“He hears God. Like, God tells him to do crazy things and he does them. That’s how I got my name. My name means some lame thing in Hebrew that my Father claims is supposed to be a prophecy for the world.”
Jess did not know what to say. She was shocked. This is not what she was expecting.
“And probably the craziest thing my father did was marry my mother.”
“This is too much. How can your dad marrying your mom be crazy? What is that supposed to make me think about us? I love you and now you’re saying marriage is crazy?”
“No, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the marriage itself was crazy, just that my dad chose her.”
“Why, what was so wrong with your mother?” Jess was beginning to get angry, even though she still wasn’t quite sure why.
“I told you my mother is a whore. I mean, she was a prostitute—an actual prostitute. And my Dad married her because God told him to. I know you probably think I’m crazy and I’m sorry for everything. If you want me to turn around and take you home I will. I’m just so, so, so…ashamed.”
The car became silent again. Jess wasn’t mad anymore, but she couldn’t look at Ammin. She didn’t know what to say, or even if she should say anything. So she just waited, she knew Ammin wasn’t finished yet. After a few minutes of looking at the yellow grass, Ammin continued.
“She never stayed faithful to my dad. I can remember her bringing guys home when I was in kindergarten. She didn’t even care I was there. She did that as long as I can remember, and my dad never did anything about it. He would just treat her as though none of it happened, and just cried whenever she wasn’t around. At first I felt sorry for him, you know, but when it kept happening without him doing anything, my pity ran out. You know, people do have a choice in the matter. He is just so weak. Finally, the day before I graduated high school, my mom ran away, or was bought or started working for this guy, or something, I don’t really know. And after I graduated, I left, and until last week, I hadn’t heard from either of them.”
The sky had turned from a gray to dark orange and red. The clouds and mist diffused the sunset so that only a shadow of sunset broke through. The yellow grass grew darker and the fence posts began to disappear but for the few that reflects back the light of the headlights streaming from the car. The air in the car felt profound. Something had changed, not necessarily for the worst, but everything felt different and new. The engine on the car hummed as it went over hill after hill, and Ammin could feel the warmth in Jess’s hand again. Ammin didn’t feel afraid anymore, if anything, he felt vindicated. Jess was still there and somehow, he knew that there love was deeper now. There was still so much to explain, but at least there’s was a love without secrets. Jess sat waiting through the sunset, sad, but content. She was always a quiet processor. As always, it was Ammin that broke the silence.
“Do you still love me, after all that?”
Jess looked up at Ammin, her eyes wet and warm, her lips filled with red, and said, “I love you more now. I can’t explain it, but I just love you more now.”
Ammin smiled. Jess smiled.
“So why now? Why did they call and why are you taking me home to meet them?”
“My dad bought my mom back. He wanted me to come home and celebrate and when he found out about you, he insisted that you come.”
“What about your mom? Did she want you to come home?”
“She said she was in love…for the first time.”
Jess sat there for a long time, her heart thumping along with Ammin’s like poetry from a book. She reached her hand up Ammin’s arm and pulled her body in close to kiss him on the cheek.
“That’s beautiful, Ammin. Truly beautiful.”
Ammin hadn’t noticed the outside but out of convention and a sincere desire to trick Jess into thinking that he was fine, looked over at her and said, “Oh yes, very beautiful.”
Ammin and Jess had been driving for over four hours and the conversation and excitement had begun to wear off. They loved each other though. It was the deep kind, the kind that doesn’t need to be excited to be content, the kind that could sit in silence next to each other in the middle of a disappointing winter and not be worried that they couldn’t think of anything to talk about. It was a real love, not like the winter outside. Jess just smiled looking through the car window, enamored by the yellow and gray, and Ammin just looked ahead, fearing the truth of what lay in front of him.
Ammin knew that as long as Jess didn’t say anything and maybe dozed off or something that he wouldn’t have to bring it up, or at least be able to put off talking about it for a little while longer. He just kept driving, kept being boring, kept putting on yellow and gray music to lull Jess into an uninterested and un-inquisitive haze. Ammin had feared this trip from the moment he knew he was in love with Jess. He knew it had to happen and that everything resting behind his name and his family and his horrible mother needed to come out and that Jess would want to know everything, but he was still afraid. And so they drove in silence, the faint sound of wind dancing through the fence posts, the occasional cow disinterestedly looking up at them, the yellow fields and gray skies rising and falling with every hill their little car sped over.
To Ammin, the trip was going perfectly, no questions asked, no secrets revealed, no pain, no anger. Jess was beautiful as she looked out the window, beautiful in the way she loved Ammin, beautiful in the way she hoped and continued to hope in the future that Ammin feared so much. Her delicate eyes were closing as the yellow atmosphere moved her into sleep, and just as Ammin thought she was asleep, Jess rolled over to face him, looked up with her wet and sleepy eyes, her rose shaped lips smirking just enough to show her dimples, and asked, “Do you think people can stay in love their whole life?”
Ammin responded quickly, “I’m sure they can.”
“I mean,” Jess went on, “I know people can love each other their whole life, people choose to do it, I know my parents have. But, I mean, can people be in love their whole lives? I see it in movies, and read it in books, and I know I can’t possibly imagine feeling anything but in love with you,” she blushed and smiled as she said this, “but I don’t know, sometimes I get scared that we will someday wake up next to each other some morning and love, but not feel in love.”
Ammin didn’t know what to say. Does she know what his mother did? Does she know about the nights he spent searching through the neighborhoods and bars with his dad? Does she know the tears he shed hearing his mom upstairs with other men? He would turn the music up to drown it out, or call his dad, or scream into his pillow. He hated his mom for cheating and he hated his dad for loving. How could she possibly ask that? To be in love? The fact that he was even capable of love at all was a miracle. Ammin couldn’t love anything, couldn’t feel anything, until he met Jess outside of his 9:10 class. Jess was everything his mother wasn’t—faithful, beautiful, honest. He was in love with her, but couldn’t face his fear. Couldn’t face that God could be fair and let people fall in love and be happy. All God has ever done was tease and coax his father into a life of miserable love. He didn’t want to think about it. He wanted to think about the yellow winter, the gray sky, the rolling hills, anything but love.
“Are you okay?”
“What?”
“You haven’t said anything for a few minutes. Have you even heard me asking you if you were alright?”
Ammin looked over at Jess, his eyes afraid of the tears forming, and said, “Jess, there is something I need to tell you.”
Jess looked confused. “I didn’t mean to upset you Ammin, it is a stupid thought to think we can’t be in love forever. It was just a silly question and I feel really bad for bring it up and…”
“Don’t, it’s not…you didn’t say anything wrong. Jess,” Ammin took her hand, “I need to tell you something.”
“You said that already. Now I’m really nervous.”
“I haven’t been honest with you about my parents.” Even though the car was still driving and the engine still running and the wind was still screaming through the fence posts, everything became silent. Jess looked at him confused, not sure if she should be hurt or mad or scared. Her hand became lifeless, her pouty lips became firm, as she braced herself.
“I want you to know that I’m sorry for not telling you all this sooner. I do love you, I’ve loved you since I spoke to you. But I guess I was afraid that you wouldn’t love me back if you knew the family I came from. My parents are not traveling around the world. I just made that up so you wouldn’t try to meet them sooner. I don’t know, I don’t even know where to begin. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”
At that Ammin’s eyes couldn’t hold back the growing tears, he let them go. It was the first time he had cried since his mother left. His soul cried. The years of pushing back the memories, the hate, the confusion, the fear, everything was falling through his eyes onto his shirt. His hand squeezed Jess’s as he tried to fight back the tears, but he couldn’t, Ammin wept. Finally, Ammin looked over at Jess, she was crying. She didn’t know why, she wasn’t mad, or even sad yet. She just knew that it was the time for tears, and she cried patiently with Ammin as he slowly calmed his heart and finished his tears.
The car was silent for a while. Ammin was embarrassed. Jess was concerned.
“Jess, my Father is crazy, and my mother is a whore.” Ammin broke the silence.
“What?”
“My older brother and sister tried to check him into a mental hospital when we were teenagers, but they wouldn’t accept him, or he would just check himself out.”
“Oh my God! That’s terrible. What was wrong with him?”
“He hears God.”
“What?”
“He hears God. Like, God tells him to do crazy things and he does them. That’s how I got my name. My name means some lame thing in Hebrew that my Father claims is supposed to be a prophecy for the world.”
Jess did not know what to say. She was shocked. This is not what she was expecting.
“And probably the craziest thing my father did was marry my mother.”
“This is too much. How can your dad marrying your mom be crazy? What is that supposed to make me think about us? I love you and now you’re saying marriage is crazy?”
“No, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the marriage itself was crazy, just that my dad chose her.”
“Why, what was so wrong with your mother?” Jess was beginning to get angry, even though she still wasn’t quite sure why.
“I told you my mother is a whore. I mean, she was a prostitute—an actual prostitute. And my Dad married her because God told him to. I know you probably think I’m crazy and I’m sorry for everything. If you want me to turn around and take you home I will. I’m just so, so, so…ashamed.”
The car became silent again. Jess wasn’t mad anymore, but she couldn’t look at Ammin. She didn’t know what to say, or even if she should say anything. So she just waited, she knew Ammin wasn’t finished yet. After a few minutes of looking at the yellow grass, Ammin continued.
“She never stayed faithful to my dad. I can remember her bringing guys home when I was in kindergarten. She didn’t even care I was there. She did that as long as I can remember, and my dad never did anything about it. He would just treat her as though none of it happened, and just cried whenever she wasn’t around. At first I felt sorry for him, you know, but when it kept happening without him doing anything, my pity ran out. You know, people do have a choice in the matter. He is just so weak. Finally, the day before I graduated high school, my mom ran away, or was bought or started working for this guy, or something, I don’t really know. And after I graduated, I left, and until last week, I hadn’t heard from either of them.”
The sky had turned from a gray to dark orange and red. The clouds and mist diffused the sunset so that only a shadow of sunset broke through. The yellow grass grew darker and the fence posts began to disappear but for the few that reflects back the light of the headlights streaming from the car. The air in the car felt profound. Something had changed, not necessarily for the worst, but everything felt different and new. The engine on the car hummed as it went over hill after hill, and Ammin could feel the warmth in Jess’s hand again. Ammin didn’t feel afraid anymore, if anything, he felt vindicated. Jess was still there and somehow, he knew that there love was deeper now. There was still so much to explain, but at least there’s was a love without secrets. Jess sat waiting through the sunset, sad, but content. She was always a quiet processor. As always, it was Ammin that broke the silence.
“Do you still love me, after all that?”
Jess looked up at Ammin, her eyes wet and warm, her lips filled with red, and said, “I love you more now. I can’t explain it, but I just love you more now.”
Ammin smiled. Jess smiled.
“So why now? Why did they call and why are you taking me home to meet them?”
“My dad bought my mom back. He wanted me to come home and celebrate and when he found out about you, he insisted that you come.”
“What about your mom? Did she want you to come home?”
“She said she was in love…for the first time.”
Jess sat there for a long time, her heart thumping along with Ammin’s like poetry from a book. She reached her hand up Ammin’s arm and pulled her body in close to kiss him on the cheek.
“That’s beautiful, Ammin. Truly beautiful.”
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Joys of Marriage: Watching Chick Flicks Alone
Above is ABBA. Thanks to the movie Lauren and I watched last night, I have ABBA painfully stuck in my head. Last night was date night. We made dinner at home then went to get dessert at the Melting Pot. After a week of hard work, we both decided renting a movie would be a great way to wind down, and since I picked the last one, I figured letting Lauren pick a girlier movie was only fair. The movie was Mama Mia, and after dessert we came home and put it on.Now, Lauren and I are very different in our sleeping habits. I take a while to fall asleep, I don't sleep much, and I wake up easily and quickly. Lauren is the complete opposite. She can fall asleep in the middle of a sentence and take well over an hour to convince out of bed. This goes for movies as well. No matter how good a movie is, Lauren can and probably will fall asleep in it. She's even fallen asleep in a movie theater. I on the other hand, regardless of how tired I am, cannot fall asleep in a movie. This poses a peculiar problem with chick flicks. I knew coming into marriage to expect the unexpected, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I end up watching chick flicks alone while Lauren sleeps.
So with that said, I confess that I watched the movie Mama Mia by myself last night. Lauren was in the room, but she didn't make it 15 minutes into the movie. As I recount last night's undermining of manliness, I also realize that I could have turned it off...which certainly doesn't help my case.
But anyways...here's to ABBA, chick flicks, and the joy of my wife curled up next to me asleep on the couch.
Friday, January 23, 2009
We Who Have Ears
My wife encouraged me to share some stuff that I wrote in college about church reform. When I began college, I was very disenchanted with the church. I'm not sure if much has changed since then. There is nothing that gets to me more than empty religiousness, but God has put inside me (against my natural will) a deep love and desire for the Church to return to God.
You can download each chapter in a PDF format from the links provided on the side panel. I will be adding the chapters as I can. My original intention was mixed between a genuine desire to bring the Church back to God and to get published and be an awesome published writer. After God spent years breaking me from my prima donna tendencies and my delusions of publishing grandeur, I think its time to share it. Eventhough it wasn't going to serve God's purpose by glorifying myself as an author, it's also not really serving God just sitting on my hard drive. So I hope it challenges you and reminds you that God is passionately pursuing His church! If you have any thoughts or questions please feel free to leave me a comment.
You can download each chapter in a PDF format from the links provided on the side panel. I will be adding the chapters as I can. My original intention was mixed between a genuine desire to bring the Church back to God and to get published and be an awesome published writer. After God spent years breaking me from my prima donna tendencies and my delusions of publishing grandeur, I think its time to share it. Eventhough it wasn't going to serve God's purpose by glorifying myself as an author, it's also not really serving God just sitting on my hard drive. So I hope it challenges you and reminds you that God is passionately pursuing His church! If you have any thoughts or questions please feel free to leave me a comment.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Reading the Bible with White Out
Sometimes I wish I could read my Bible with white-out. The Bible is a very unpredictable book and it seems like the moment I begin to "figure it out", I read something that blows it all up. It would just be so convenient to white-out those verses that make believing the Bible so difficult, to cover up those statements that make knowing God so challenging. This morning, I had one such moment.
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God. Hebrews 10:31
I have read this verse before. The first few times I skimmed over it with the same glaze I skim over the the Old Testament monologues about God's wrath towards the Ammonites, or the Amorites, or any other 'ite' God may have destroyed. But finally this verse ate through me, surfacing in my conscience like a worm surfaces on a perfect red apple. Every time I read this verse, it bothers me for a while, deeply.
This morning, I had to face this verse again. And as much as I would like to white this verse out and move on, I can't. This verse convicts me of a deep sin, and I'm afraid it's a sin shared by many of my fellow believers. It convicted me that I worship and serve a neutered god. I worship a god who doesn't mind when we sin and is tolerant of those seeking there own path to redemption. I worship a god who only dislikes sin, who only prefers holiness and is only capable of love and compassion towards the human race. And by worshiping this god, I worship a god that doesn't exist...and that's one of the greatest sins of all.
God minds when we sin, He sends to Hell anyone who doesn't find redemption through His Son, and will judge the majority of the world for damnation. Even though I would rather believe in a God less dangerous, I can't. In Jonathon Edwards famous sermon, Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God, he says,
This morning, I had to face this verse again. And as much as I would like to white this verse out and move on, I can't. This verse convicts me of a deep sin, and I'm afraid it's a sin shared by many of my fellow believers. It convicted me that I worship and serve a neutered god. I worship a god who doesn't mind when we sin and is tolerant of those seeking there own path to redemption. I worship a god who only dislikes sin, who only prefers holiness and is only capable of love and compassion towards the human race. And by worshiping this god, I worship a god that doesn't exist...and that's one of the greatest sins of all.
God minds when we sin, He sends to Hell anyone who doesn't find redemption through His Son, and will judge the majority of the world for damnation. Even though I would rather believe in a God less dangerous, I can't. In Jonathon Edwards famous sermon, Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God, he says,
"There is nothing that keeps wicked men at any one moment out of hell, but the mere pleasure of God."
Every man, eventually, will fall into God's hand, and the only thing that will stop God from delivering us into Satan's torment, is Christ. And even if we are saved by Christ, there is nothing keeping God from disciplining His child. As I let this truth sink in, the commandment to fear God takes on a whole new meaning. I usually take 'fear God' to mean 'respect God.' But the commandment to fear God literally means to fear Him, because when all is said and done, God can do whatever He wants. God is a dangerous God and it is only by the pleasure of His will, shown by grace through His Son, that anyone is saved from the fury of His wrath and power.
"I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do to you. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell." Luke 12:4-5
I need to put my white-out away and start living like I believe in a living, dangerous God, because someday, I will fall into His hands.
I need to put my white-out away and start living like I believe in a living, dangerous God, because someday, I will fall into His hands.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Dallas Calling
So after years of thought and doubt, and months of back and forth, my wife and I have finally decided to move to Dallas, TX to attend Dallas Theological Seminary. We have put an offer in on a house, set a move date, and started saying goodbye to our friends here in Austin.
This is crazy! Two years ago I moved to Austin with ambiguous dreams of musical stardom and prowess. I even dragged friends and bandmates here from College Station and Arizona to pursue it with me. At the time, I was convinced I was following God's call. I wanted to bring an honest approach to the human/spiritual condition through music. I had dreams of coming alongside Derek Webb in the quest to reform the American church, of standing amidst the crowds of self medicating worship/Christian bands and shouting at them to wake up and get real.
As it turns out, I was following God's call by moving to Austin 2 years ago, but it was not for the self-serving reasons I had hoped.
Following God can be a lot like a child following a butterfly into the woods. I thought God brought me to Austin for music and revolution, but his real motivation was getting me married to the right woman and breaking me of the very pride that was keeping me from being used at all. For the longest time I thought I was supposed to be God's superhero--reforming the church, transforming spiritual art, leading bible studies and worship services, and saving the poor. I had spent so much of my spiritual life trying to prove to God some fictitious spiritual machismo, when all he really wanted was me.
God called me to Austin to teach me that He doesn't need me to reform His precious church, He doesn't need me to save the poor, He doesn't need me to redeem 'spiritual' music, He doesn't need me at all really. He just wants me. He just wants to know me, and for me to know Him. He wants me to walk with Him and let Him change my heart with His Spirit. That's all there is to it.
So now I'm chasing God's butterfly into the woods of Dallas and although it's scary to be lost in the woods with nothing but God's calling, I'm ecstatic to look back in four years and see why God led me there.
This is crazy! Two years ago I moved to Austin with ambiguous dreams of musical stardom and prowess. I even dragged friends and bandmates here from College Station and Arizona to pursue it with me. At the time, I was convinced I was following God's call. I wanted to bring an honest approach to the human/spiritual condition through music. I had dreams of coming alongside Derek Webb in the quest to reform the American church, of standing amidst the crowds of self medicating worship/Christian bands and shouting at them to wake up and get real.
As it turns out, I was following God's call by moving to Austin 2 years ago, but it was not for the self-serving reasons I had hoped.
Following God can be a lot like a child following a butterfly into the woods. I thought God brought me to Austin for music and revolution, but his real motivation was getting me married to the right woman and breaking me of the very pride that was keeping me from being used at all. For the longest time I thought I was supposed to be God's superhero--reforming the church, transforming spiritual art, leading bible studies and worship services, and saving the poor. I had spent so much of my spiritual life trying to prove to God some fictitious spiritual machismo, when all he really wanted was me.
God called me to Austin to teach me that He doesn't need me to reform His precious church, He doesn't need me to save the poor, He doesn't need me to redeem 'spiritual' music, He doesn't need me at all really. He just wants me. He just wants to know me, and for me to know Him. He wants me to walk with Him and let Him change my heart with His Spirit. That's all there is to it.
So now I'm chasing God's butterfly into the woods of Dallas and although it's scary to be lost in the woods with nothing but God's calling, I'm ecstatic to look back in four years and see why God led me there.
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